Redefining Self-Care: From Indulgence to Resilience

Self-care: we hear that buzz word so often, but what does it mean? Bubble baths, pedicures, Netflix binges, comfort foods? Perhaps. But when it comes to using self-care as a tool for fortifying our lives, it’s actually less about indulgence and more about intentionally building the capacity and resilience we need to show up fully.

Many of us see self-care escape the stress of daily life—little treats we “deserve” to counteract what feels difficult, painful, or arduous. Others perceive self-care to be self-indulgent, holding the belief that moments of respite are undeserved or shouldn’t be necessary—that we should simply be able to power through whatever life throws at us. I’d like to set aside both of those perspectives and offer a different one - one that is rooted in neuroscience and free of self-judgement.

Self-care isn’t about grabbing onto a temporary escape from reality through instant gratification; it’s about intentionally creating a life that you don’t feel the need to escape from. It isn’t the same as self-indulgence—it’s a responsible and deliberate strengthening of our brain and nervous system so that we can expand our capacity instead of merely coping or pushing through.

Our capacity is the amount of mental, emotional, and physical energy available to us at any given time. It’s our personal bandwidth, not just for “getting through” life but for participating in it with a solid sense of agency and contentment. Capacity functions like a battery: everything we do draws from it, and without intentional recharging it eventually runs low. Psychologically, the charge of that battery is impacted by our stress levels, the state of our nervous system, sleep, relationships, boundaries, and the many small ways we tend to ourselves everyday. When self-care is inconsistent we slip into survival mode—capacity shrinks, ordinary tasks feel heavier, and overwhelm sets in., Jon Kabat-Zinn, Professor of Medicine emeritus at the University of Massachusetts Medical School, defines overwhelm as the feeling that “our lives are somehow unfolding faster than the human nervous system and psyche are able to manage well”. Fortunately for us, consistent, intentional efforts to restore ourselves through various forms of rest, connection, or nourishment will recharge the battery, thereby expanding our capacity for patience, clarity, creativity, and resilience.

The most effective self-care is proactive, not reactive. Many of us are in the habit of practicing reactive “after-care” while calling it self-care. This looks like trying to bandage stress or overwhelm with a quick dopamine hit of something temporarily pleasurable, but ultimately fleeting. After-care alone falls short of contributing to sustained and consistent access to a sense of stability and resiliency. True self-care involves making ongoing choices that allow for consistent access to stability, self-trust, and regulation. It’s is a continuous practice, though the exact make up of your self-care routine will (and should) evolve as your life does. When we get stuck in reactivity instead of proactivity, we often find ourselves in a loop of burnout, recovery, and relapse.

So how do we distinguish high quality self-care—practices with lasting impact—from short-term band-aids? A helpful question to ask is: does this generally leave me feeling more capable, better rested, more connected, or clearer headed? Or does it function more as a pause button—an escape I return from with the same or even less capacity that I had before?

True self-care replenishes your capacity to engage with life and creates space for genuine recovery. Escapism, on the other hand, avoids discomfort rather than restoring from it. It often leaves us depleted, accompanied by guilt or anxiety, and without meaningful relief. When something leads us to avoidance, withdrawal, or shutdown, it stops being a healthy intervention. Self-care isn’t meant to disconnect you from life, it’s meant to bolster you so that you can remain engaged in it. Self-compassion expert Dr. Kristin Neff captures this distinction well: “Self-compassion and self-care involves turning towards what I’m experiencing with care, whereas self-indulgence involves turning away from what I’m feeling, often in an attempt to try to feel better.”

Once we understand that self-care is about proactive capacity building rather than reactive escape, the next question becomes: What does that actually look like? This is where things get nuanced. Self-care is deeply individual. What restores energy, clarity, or fulfillment for one person may feel draining, stressful, or avoidant to another. Even for the same person, something that works beautifully today may feel ineffective next week as circumstances, needs, and capacity shift. This is why intentionally checking in with ourselves to get an honest gauge of our needs is so valuable—we have to collect our own data. If we leave it to social media, friends, or even our own past habits to dictate what kind of self-care we need, the odds of emerging satisfied are slim. Here’s simple framework:

1. Name what’s happening in your life externally (i.e. “I’ve spent all week rushing from one meeting or event to the next with no downtime”, “I haven’t seen my friends in months”, “I’ve been spending a lot of time caring for a sick loved one.”).

2. Notice the ways you’re being affected internally. It’s likely that there will be several points of impact. (Racing heartbeat, forgetful, can’t focus, irritable, poor nutritional intake, feelings of loneliness, going through the motions but not feeling connected to experiences/people, etc).

3. With that data, identify the need that feels the heaviest right now. Consider what might feel like a salve to that need. (A greater sense of agency? Laughter? Feeling connected? More structure? Rest? Feeling carefree? Increased decisiveness? Nourishment? )

From there, make choices that are aligned with your greatest need— ones that prioritize restoration and self-connection rather than avoidance, escape, or disconnect.

Sometimes self-care will look like a long nap, a gaming marathon, a spa day, or a block of cheese and a bar of chocolate. But it may just as easily look like sitting down to tackle your budget so lingering financial stress no longer occupies your mental bandwith. Or like cooking at home when you’re craving fast food because you know that you think more clearly and your stomach hurts less when you eat vegetables and fiber. Or like going to visit a friend when all you want to do is crawl under a blanket and hide, because you remember that you feel most connected to yourself when you connect with people who love you. Below is a non-exhaustive list of ways we care for ourselves and recharge the battery. Let your current capacity guide you, and allow self-compassion to carry you the rest of the way:

• building in extra time during your commute so you don’t feel rushed

• moving your body

• unfollowing accounts that trigger self-criticism or judgment

• getting a massage

• getting adequate sleep

• balancing your budget

• cooking for yourself

• taking yourself out to dinner

• taking a break from multitasking

• spending time in the fresh air

• saying no

• saying yes

• choosing not to insert yourself in other people’s business unless invited

• spending an evening with loved ones

• pausing before responding

• challenging yourself to learn or try something new

• taking sick days when you’re sick

• engaging in relaxing personal care habits

• scheduling time to complete a task you’ve been putting off

• giving yourself permission to do nothing